


I Can Feel the Devil Walking Next to Me

by ambitiousbutrubbish



Series: Maybe You'll See Me on the Evening News (With a Bag Over My Head) [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Erwin is Death and Levi is War, Established Relationship, M/M, but also Erwin is the Commander and Levi is his Captain, chess metaphors like what the hell I can’t/don’t even play chess, except not really because Erwin is the Player and Levi is the Queen, is it obvious I don’t know what I’m doing?, seriously I have no idea where this came from
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-28
Updated: 2014-08-28
Packaged: 2018-02-15 04:25:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2215737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambitiousbutrubbish/pseuds/ambitiousbutrubbish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>War is but another piece on Death’s chessboard. Or, it’s all a game of metaphors, except where it’s actually people’s lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Can Feel the Devil Walking Next to Me

**Author's Note:**

> I am studiously resisting grouping all my snk stories together even though they are totally all related to each other because I am stubborn and refusing to admit that I may have a bit of a _theme_ going here.
> 
> (Update: I caved, man. I caved so hard)
> 
> Not at all inspired by [these chess pictures](http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=43545857) and has next to nothing to do with them except having Erwin as The Player, but you should check them out anyway because they’re amazing.

Famine and Pestilence kill more. They are indiscriminate. They do not see people, they do not even see victims. They see only Death. But they are a force of nature; they need to gather momentum. They are the Knights. Keep them at bay and you will prosper. But let them lose and they will kill from every angle, every direction - out of nowhere - and they will decimate your board before you have even realised that you should’ve been watching out for them. They are the Rooks. After the board has begun to be cleared they come again. A second wave. Moving everywhere; a straight progression from start to death. A second massacre.

War is strategy. War is human. War is thought out and planned and moves directly for the kill. War sees everyone, and it takes lives, not just statistics. Death prefers the long game. War is his Queen.

\------------------------

For all that the new recruits are foreign to him - too hopeful, too open, too trusting - Erwin looks for the parts there that he can understand. 

Mikasa reminds him of Levi. Perhaps too much for him to be entirely comfortable about it. It’s the utter facade of calmness. The emotionless face that hides a controlled, but deep, fury. A talent beyond the wildest dreams of most people, and underneath it all, a steady and unrelenting devotion, a need to protect and defend and guard. Erwin has seen it all before, and he doesn’t believe in coincidences; the chances of another person showing up like that, completely out of the blue - another person who is everything that humanity needs to win this war - is more than impossible. He knew her last name before he ever heard it. There had been a time when he’d considered asking Levi to mentor her personally, but she had seemed completely unaware of any familial history and in fact to actively despise and distrust him. Erwin knows that a good leader does not demand from those who follow any more than they are willing to give, unless they want a rebellion on their hands. Erwin demands more from his soldiers than an average leader, so he is always upfront and pragmatic about what he wants them to do. He decided it was probably not the best idea at the time to have Levi train Mikasa, and once she begun to trust him and his decisions, there just wasn’t any time for mentorship. 

He always looks for a successor - for himself and for his squad leaders - in every new group of trainees. Erwin is not self-deluding, he knows his death is a foregone conclusion - it’s only a matter of when, not if - but he would like it if he could instruct the one who would one day become the 14th Commander of the Survey Corps personally, from scratch. Armin Artlet is the closest he’s come to finding his replacement among the new recruits. Blond, blue eyed, too smart and self-possessed and intense for his own good. Slightly eerie, in a way that made others believe him without really being sure why they did so. 

But Armin isn’t a natural leader. He has the ideas of one - the strategy, the ability to make the hard call - and he understands the value and the gravity of sacrifice, but he doesn’t have the charisma or the temperament to make people flock to him. At the same age, Erwin had convinced Commander Shadis to implement a number of different formations when making runs outside of the walls, but he’d had to quiet his soldiers down himself in order to hear Armin’s theory on who the female Titan was. In an ideal world, Erwin would combine Armin and Jean Kirstein into one being, but failing that, he would like to train the both of them to share Command. It could prove useful, having Jean as an outside force to stop Armin going too far. Erwin would have pushed so much harder without Mike’s stabilising influence, and it shows in the way that the enemies of the Survey Corps have begun to close in now that he’s gone. Of course, in an absolute ideal world there would be no Titans, and therefore no need for any of this. And no need for a man like Erwin, a man who takes children and makes them into soldiers and weapons and worse.

But Erwin prefers to live in reality, and he knows that he will likely be dead long before either Armin or Jean are fit to become Commander. Hange will make an excellent successor, of course, but truthfully she is needed more where she already is. She loves her job, and there is no one who could have the passion for understanding the Titans that she does. Honestly, Erwin’s greatest regret about his inevitable demise is that it will take Hange away from the important work that she is already doing.

Circumstances amaze Erwin; the way that one slightly different action can completely change someone’s life, the way that Mikasa feels nothing but sibling affection for Armin. Instead, she has given all of her attention and devotion to Eren, who unfortunately is not yet in a position to realise what an extraordinary gift he has been given. Eren, amusingly enough, reminds Erwin mostly of Nile; single-minded, quick to anger and to fall on the defensive, but absolutely pure of heart - dedicated, driven - and incorruptible, even when surrounded by a corruption he can not even hope to control. The fact that Levi and Nile can not stand each other, where Mikasa and Eren would do anything they could to protect the other, serves only to puzzle and amuse Erwin further. He likes Eren, in the same way he likes Nile, but similarly, he dislikes that he must place so much trust in him, rely on him so completely.

When he looks at the three of them, Mikasa, Armin and Eren, Erwin remembers what the Survey Corps were like when he first joined, full of a hope so quickly extinguished after the first massive loss and then never rekindled again. For these three, they see a future, one without war and walls, a horizon stretching as far as the eye can see. Their first battle was Trost, the only victory of humanity since the Titan’s arrived in a time unrecorded in sanctioned history books. They will be victorious. For himself, Mike and Nile, there had only been loss and failure and the knowledge that death blew in with the wind. The fight had been so long and distant that many had simply given up. 

He had focused so entirely on what was to come - promised himself to the Survey Corps before he had even begun training, and was guaranteed a high ranking position before he joined. Erwin worries, sometimes, that Armin has not followed with the same conviction and determination. He is attached - to friends, to family. He only joined the Survey Corps because of them, and he’d leave the moment they asked him to. Armin cares about people, not many, it’s true, but he cares about them so completely that he has jumped in front of Titans despite having very little ability to actually defend himself against them. Erwin can’t help but wonder if it will make him a better Commander one day, or if he will be the one to lead humanity to its doom. 

Mikasa and Levi were both lost children, but Mikasa was found again; she doesn’t fear the place inside her that makes her feel, - that connects her to those around her - and she frequently mediates confrontations between Eren and Jean, rather than cowling the both of them through a show of force. Eren is so full of conviction - so sure of himself, so committed - in a way that Nile has never been. He has faced down horrors unimaginable, has watched those he loved destroyed for the cause, and never doubted or questioned its necessity. 

Erwin is glad for the ways in which the new recruits seem strange to him. It means they see a chance of victory.

He wonders, idly (as much as he ever wonders things idly), who he would have become if he had had someone in his training years the way these three have each other. Would his heart be more open and willing to seek self-sacrifice for the sake of his friends, or would he have become more determined not to allow any signs of attachment. He wonders who he would have become if Levi had have trained with him. Who he would be now, had he had someone to love when the emotion would have had a chance to grown in his heart, instead of the way that it has seeped in through the cracks and tears. 

He’s glad Levi did not train with him. He’s glad Levi is here with him now.

\------------------------

Pawns can be sacrificed. They are movers and shakers and they can be underestimated to deadly effect. They can aspire to get to the other side of the board and become more than they ever were. But ultimately, they are protection. Canon fodder. The martyrs and the petty demons that Death maneuvers in his dance towards the End. Death values his pawns. He understands the usefulness of them. But he pulls their strings, one after another, and marches them forward to whatever fate may await them. He won’t hesitate to play them, and he won’t save them at the expense of other pieces.

The Queen ventures into the most dangerous of places. She plays the hard game, completes the most deadly of moves. The Queen is what all pawns hope to become, who all knights and bishops follow into battle. The Queen is to be kept alive for as long as possible - the sacrifice call is one that is almost impossible to make. She is War, and she rampages throughout history and across nations.

\------------------------

Erwin is eight the first time he lets another person underestimate him. He knows what they say behind his back - creepy, unwanted, a shadow of a boy after the recent death of his father. He knows that they say that his head is too large for his body, that his smile inspires fear, rather than levity, but Erwin doesn’t let it bother him. He holds his books closer to his chest, puts his head down and avoids eye contact, deliberately misunderstands questions and directions, and when the other children get close enough, when he can see the whites of their eyes, he lashes out, takes them down in the fastest and most painful way he knows how. His father wanted him to be a politician, wanted him to change the world and make the corruption of the ruling class impossible to ignore. Erwin was never destined for the easy path or the safe option; he learned how to defend himself as early as he could, how easy it was to take advantage of an opponent who thinks he’s won already.

Erwin knows he isn’t the easiest man to be around. He can be a charismatic man - charming, even - after all, he convinces children who have lived under the shadow of a terror at their doorstep every day of their short lives to go outside of the walls and face the Titans head-on, rather than take up a safe career in the Military police. But he has a habit of getting lost in his own head. He drops that red string that was supposed to guide him out of the labyrinth and soon every step he makes could be the one that takes him around the corner to meet the Minotaur, and the men and women under his command become nothing more than soldiers; not people, but pieces for Erwin to move around as he seeks out the Beast or finds a way to take them home again. He plans and he schemes because to fall behind is to lose, he knows that, but he lost his humanity in the fight with the bull-headed man long before he lost his arm.

He doesn’t remember the names of the men and women who have died under his command. There are too many. He learns them, while they are alive - it’s good for moral - but once they’re gone their names leave with them. The first man who died under his order, Erwin wrote his name on a slip of paper that he kept in the bottom draw of his new desk. The next mission, he lost twenty soldiers, and when he returned from beyond the walls he slipped that little reminder out from under the false bottom of the draw and burnt it with a candle, until he was left with nothing but a small pile of flaking black paper and a slightly scorched index finger on his right hand. He does not have time for regrets. Not when he has soldiers to lead, soldiers that rely on him having a clear head and a conscience that will not stop him from doing what is necessary. Not when he already has one great regret in his life, one that will not allow another in. 

He needs to think to the future. To wander further into that maze, until he slays that Minotaur or becomes it himself, wandering alone in his thoughts and plans. He needs to think to the future. He doesn’t remember the name of that first kid, but he knows his face - he sees it in his dreams - just before he died, terrified and determined and trusting completely in Erwin’s command. 

If Erwin believed in the gods, he would know that they sent Levi to him. Levi doesn’t stand at the entrance of the labyrinth and call him home, and he doesn’t follow him into the maze. Levi smashes down the walls that separate them, and lights up the way back to sanity and humanity. He does keep a list of every soldier the Survey Corps has lost. Levi doesn’t let Erwin see it, keeps it tucked away in a place even Erwin can’t find it, because no matter that Erwin thinks ahead, Levi _knows_ him, as well as any man can. He knows that Erwin hopes to one day have the chance to repent for the lives he has taken, and has caused to be taken. Levi will help him with that, too. Would take on the punishment and carry the penance, if he thought he could get away with it.

Because despite everything, Levi loves him anyway. And Erwin loves him back.

\------------------------

The King is the most important piece. But he is also the weakest, for the same reasons. He must be protected at all times, for his loss means the loss of the game, and Death does not lose. The King is the end of times; no matter whose King stands at the end, the outcome is the same - the game is over, and there is no need for Death anymore. He is eternal but the game is not. And once it is over he will fade into a bitter memory, nothing but a bad taste in the mouth of those who remain.

The Queen is powerful. She is versatile. She moves where he tells her and she takes no prisoners and needs so protection. The only winner in War is Death.

\------------------------

Erwin has never enjoyed attending the parties held by the elite. When his father had been alive, he and his mother had attended them. But never by choice, and never as guests. The prestige of a teacher was enough to get noticed, but not adequate to demand respect. Instead, his parents were graced the halls of the King and nobles as a public expression of their benevolence and interest in the lives of the common people. What truly went on once the doors were closed, Erwin never truly discovered for himself, the practice long-since outdated when he first began to travel within the ranks of high society for a growing fear of those outside the protected walls of the nobility. But his father, who was otherwise completely dedicated to showing him every corruption of the King, had never seen fit to inform him of it. 

He must attend these parties, nevertheless. They are a sham, and everyone who attends them knows that they are nothing more than a charade, and yet they insist on inflicting them upon him every second month. He knows that the nobility would much prefer to simply cut all funding to the Survey Corps and be done with it and him, but as much as some of the population reviles him and his soldiers, just as many people cheer for them and celebrate them in the streets. The upper class dares not risk the unrest that would be created upon the disillusion of the Corps, and so Erwin puts on a friendlier face and a more formal outfit and he bares it. It is nothing more than another application of strategy, after all. 

He used to take Mike along with him, but that is no longer an option, and Erwin feels the pain of it in this moment as clearly as he had when he was with Nile and well past the point of drunk for the first time since he became Commander. He won’t even have Nile there to commiserate with, because he always manages to bow out with ‘family commitments’.

In his weaker moments, Erwin wonders if it would be worth getting married and having children so he could claim the same. There are no shortage of suiters, after all. The nobles may despise him, but he commands the affection of a section of the populous, and he’s sure that every one of the women at these parties that bat their eyelashes at him think that if they can just get him into bed, then they can sway him and his supporters to the side of the elite, and the Survey Corps will become just another branch of upper class control. It’s funny, actually, how wrong they are. On every account. He’s also sure that these attempts at seduction are why Mike came along to every party. He always left them a combination of frustrated and deeply amused. 

He’s never thought about taking Levi along with him, that would only end in disaster, but he’s always there to help him prepare. For the most part, this involves Levi sitting on the couch, one leg crossed over the other, and rolling his eyes at periodic intervals. The eye rolling is more prevalent now that Erwin struggles with all the buttons on his formal ware and yet refuses Levi’s help. Not that Levi really offers, anyway. He seems to have conflicted feelings about wanting to do things now to make it easier for Erwin. 

He’ll help with Erwin’s tie, though, at the end; but he’s always done that. Sidles up next to him just as he does up the last button of his shirt and slowly slides the piece of fabric underneath his collar. Keeps his eyes fixed on the tie as he flips it around and up and under, and only after it’s perfect and slid up against Erwin’s throat does he look up to meet his eyes. Erwin would be afraid of what he sees there, if he didn’t feel it himself, deep where he tries to hide it. They stand for a moment, breathing in tandem, Levi lets go of the tie and rests his hands on Erwin’s chest, and Erwin reaches up and places his hand on his hip. 

It’s a quiet moment, and there are all too few of them in their lives. A time where they can just be together. Erwin feels the gentle rise and fall of Levi’s stomach as he breaths slowly, the minute twitch in his fingers that rest against his chest. He looks down at Levi and Levi looks back up and Erwin lets all his pieces fall into place. Every he has been through. Every pain he is still to suffer and every tragedy he will cause. They all have a reason. And just for a moment, he lets himself _feel_ that, presses his lips to Levi’s forehead and breaths in the smell of his hair. 

Erwin has never really thought about marriage as an option for him. But he’d marry Levi if he could.

\------------------------

All Wars must end. If Death cleans the board then he has nothing to play with, nothing to collect upon. All Queens can be sacrificed for the greater good, when it is the only move to play and that final push needs a jolt. Time will come when a Pawn will cross the board and War will begin anew. The end of War is never really the end; the board is not that big, the options are not that varied, and the Pawns are always too ambitious.

Time will come when even the Player must retire, must put down the strings and leave the game behind. Another should pick up the pieces, but he is Death, and he is the end of all things - justice, mercy, the fight. Without him, there is no beginning and there is no final peace. There is no one to keep the balance or fan the flames of progress. Without Death, the game falls apart.

\------------------------

Erwin can not sacrifice Levi. Not now. Not when there’s still so much to do. Not now, when there is a war to be fought and humanity to save. Not now, when there’s still something he can do to protect him. Not now, when Levi is all that separates him from despair, from the knowledge that in a hundred years, humanity has made no progress to free themselves from their confines, that no matter that Erwin has reduced the number of deaths, kids are dying all the time in the seemingly fruitless quest for freedom. Because if Levi believes in him, if Levi thinks he’s right, then he is. The trust, it goes both ways.

Sometimes, Erwin wonders if he’s losing the war without even noticing, trying to keep Levi alive for as long as he can.

\------------------------

War is Death’s most valued piece on the board. Nothing kills like War, and there is nothing Death values more than winning the game. And Death always wins. He is the shadow that looms over every life. He blows in on every wind, and leaves with the lives of friend and foe alike. He will play War, his Queen, until the end. If he can.

**Author's Note:**

> Why does everything I write about these two turn into more of a character study than an actual story?
> 
> Title from [One Night In Bangkok](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9cNtrrCP0E%20) from the musical 'Chess' (It seemed fitting).


End file.
